So multiple times now, posts that I have written, completely free of any sense of anger at all, have been interpreted by folks here - not just as angry - but as malicious. It has now happened enough times that we need to address the biases at hand here.
I am three things that are relevant for this discussion: I am Jewish. I am Italian. And I am Scottish.
These are three cultures that feature “loudness” as a positive trait. What do I mean by that?
I mean arguing, debate, discussion at my home growing up was louder than a kindergarten field trip to the zoo. Louder than a metal concert’s mosh pit. Louder than the conure room at a bird shelter.
I am a loud, boisterous person. That’s just who I am. With those three cultural backgrounds, I can’t even help it. On more than one occasion, someone has interpreted my tendency for the dramatic, my eagerness, and my enthusiasm as being “too much”. In fact, it is quite a point of trauma for me, the number of times that specific rejection has occurred.
But to me, I wasn’t doing anything wrong! I was acting as my family acted, as people from my culture acted, as those around me in other situations acted. In Judaism, arguing is even seen as emotion-free, because interpersonal debate is how we learn and grow. Even the most stringent and austere Jewish groups will feature a loudly arguing table of scholars in the Beit Midrash. Italian dinners are filled with singing and shouting for joy. Being Scottish means yelling at everything and then yelling at it again. This was, and is, my life. It was loud. It was emotional. It was excitement.
Online, tone indicators are even worse, with many people easily being misunderstood in a given situation. Hell, there are probably those of you reading this now who are reading a higher level of emotion and anger into my words than is actually there. That added complication has now lead to multiple occurrences of this misunderstanding.
This isn’t limited to the cultures I come from, of course! The anger and excitement and enthusiasm found in Black culture has been weaponized against it for as long as racism has existed (y'all can ask @ladyraekingmaker more about that). In fact, lower class Black Women in the United States were often perceived negatively for being loud and having their private lives carried out in public (because they did not have access to private spaces). Same for different cultural norms in other places, from Persia/Iran to parts of Latin America and more.
Indeed, loudness, anger, and tone are heavily tied to how different cultures are perceived. Calmness, stoicism, and a lack of “emotionalness” is a highlight of WASPy cultures, famously - “white anglo-saxon protestant” if you’re not familiar. Being more “low key” and less expressive was considered high class, being less so was low class. And that still continues today - from the snide comments of tumblr anon’s and ex friends, to the literal policing of impoverished communites of color for their celebrations and community gatherings.
The perception of emotion and passion as a “bad” thing is 100% tied to white supremacy. Full stop. In fact, policing people for being “angry” at certain things was a great way to shut down discussion of many important issues, that deserved anger - things like racism, sexism, and homophobia. Anger is a good, important, and necessary emotion - and being emotional in general is a way many people use to emphasize their own points and indicate how much they care about a subject. It’s necessary, and it’s good. Anger, emotion, excitement, these are good things.
It is better for someone to be angry and up front with you, allowing you to learn and grow as a person, than to bullshit you and mollycoddle you into a state of complacency.
So, that means that for many people reading this, you probably never really thought of how your reaction to loud, or emotional, or dramatic, or excitable people was related to upholding social norms. That’s okay! It’s not a big deal! We are all born with blind spots and things we are ignorant of that we have to understand and tackle. Growing up is something we never stop doing.
But I’m not magically going to stop being excitable, loud, and emotional. And I’m not going to magically stop being myself. While in person, my tone and facial expressions would help others to at least see that I am not mad but excited; here, you’re going to have to take me at my word.
If I am angry, you will know it. It will be extremely, painfully obvious. I might even explicitly say it. But the fact remains is that, every time I have gotten (frankly, condescending) anons in my inbox telling me to “calm down”, I haven’t been angry at all. And that is a cultural bias a lot of you have to examine in yourselves. By policing how people - not just me - on how they talk and express themselves, you are upholding white supremacy. And you need to stop.
I am too much for some people. That’s okay! If I am, you are free to go. No one has to follow me. But I am not going to minimize myself just to make some people comfortable, especially when I am doing nothing wrong. And if you continue to insist that I am, you are missing the point of this post.
Stop worshiping the empty alter of stoicism, of emotionlessness, of quietude. It’s not how most humans act. And it shouldn’t be, because emotions exist for a reason. That reason? Is communication.
And if you’re still not convinced, just get invited to a Pesach seder. Good luck with that being anything close to “calm”.
~ Meig
If you read this as me calling you racist, you didn’t actually read it. Good lrd.
The vast majority of people read this and understand what it says. Stop misreading me on purpose. And that wasn’t anger. That was me being firm.
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